Mail Order Regrets by Julianna Blake

Author:Julianna Blake [Blake, Julianna]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Amazon: B00CRG9WNQ
Publisher: Timeless Hearts Press
Published: 2013-01-01T08:00:00+00:00

Chapter 12

Clay wanted to pound his fist into his thigh. Or punch anything, really. What had come over him? How could he have let it happen? He’d given her ideas now, he was sure. Led her on. Made her think he was in love with her or something, when he wasn’t.

Aren’t you?

No! I’m not! he answered himself.

Just because he’d let himself slip, let himself get lost in the warmth of her body against his, the feel of her body moving under her clothes and coat every time she moved—that didn’t mean that he had any feelings for her. He was a man. Men have needs. It was normal, under the circumstances, for his desires to be awakened.

But that argument didn’t hold water. He couldn’t quite convince himself. He had felt more—it was the last thing he wanted, and the last thing he’d want to admit to anyone, even himself—but he’d felt much more than lust. He’d felt aroused by Madeline all day, since they first huddled under the tarpaulin together. But that wasn’t what drove him over the edge.

She was. Her. Who she was. He didn’t know how she did it, but she managed to zero in on the touchiest subjects with him, and somehow elicit an answer from him, when he would have bit the head off anyone else who’d have tried the same thing.

More than that, she somehow understood. Though she had no idea, truly, of what he’d gone through, she was able to understand, because in some small way she’d gone through a similar experience. Just as she’d run from her problems, he’d run away from his past with Tabitha, and from his sister—the happy life that Cara lived every day. He’d run away from the memories and the pain, and walled himself off from everyone.

Well, isn’t it better that way? Isn’t everyone better off seeing me for only small chunks of time, so they don’t have to deal with my sadness, my loneliness, my loss?

Wasn’t that what Madeline had done, in a way? Fled Boston to avoid the pain and embarrassment, and to spare her mother the embarrassment of seeing her daughter marry far below her station?

That made Clay wonder—was Madeline’s stiff, conceited demeanor just a way of shielding herself from more pain? Of shielding herself from having to get to know people, and having them judge her, as her Boston friends had judged her? And was that what he himself was doing? He’d always told himself it was easier to be alone—that he was better off alone. But was he? Or could he be, as Cara suggested, just trying to avoid heartache?

Maybe he and Madeline weren’t as different as he’d thought.

Beside him, he could feel Madeline fidgeting with her hands, and tucking the furs and blankets tighter around her. The bit of space he’d given her had allowed the cold air a channel to filter down between them. Already a chill seeped in, but Clay wouldn’t invade her space any more than was necessary.

They sat like that for an hour, maybe more.

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